In a group situation, and indeed in all relationships, it is inevitable that people will, at times, say or do things which demonstrate their ignorance, assumptions and/or prejudices. Their words or actions have a serious impact.
We have created a process that we offer to tutors and trainees with protected characteristics as a way of responding to and learning from micro and macro agressions.
This process is continually being changed and refined as the tutors and trainees use it and talk about it's effectiveness and limitations.
Ouch/Oops offers one way to respond to micro and macro aggressions and a way forward for all through the challenges of learning in diverse groups.
The term “microaggression” doesn’t fully capture the actions’ emotional and material effects or how they impact people.
Below is an slightly edited extract from an article entitled: We Need to Retire the Term “Microaggressions” by Ruchika T. Malhotra in the Harvard Business Review
In fact, researchers found that experiencing what we know as microaggressions can be just as harmful, if not more, than more overt forms of descrimination and prejudice.
“People say that microaggressions are small things, but our studies indicate that microaggressions have a macro impact as they affect the standard of living of a marginalised group,” (Derald Wing Sue, psychologist 2007).
Sue suggests that daily microaggressions create a lowered sense of psychological well-being. They deplete psychic energy or problem-solving and work productivity beacuse they are cumulative. They occur to people with protected characteristics from the time they awaken, until they go to bed, from the time they are born until they die.
The inclusion of “micro” in the term can minimise the actions’ harmful effects and prioritises the comfort of those in the majority by centering their intentions instead of their impacts.
It is vital and powerful to have a commonly understood way to articulate these issues and address the impact that microaggressions have on the experiences of people with protected characteristics.
At Homa we have chosen to continue to use the terms micro and macro aggression and to have ongoing conversations about their meaning and impact.
Micro and Macro Aggressions
A microaggression is something that people do or say, intentionally or unintentionally which demonstrates their prejudice, bias, discrimination and/or assumptions towards or about a person with protected characteristics.
A macroaggression is something that people do or say, intentionally or unintentionally which demonstrates systemic and institutionalised forms of prejudice, bias, discrimination and/or assumptions towards or about a group of people with protected characteristics.
Protected characteristics include:
Race - including colour, nationality, ethnic or national origin
Age
Disability
Gender reassignment
Marriage or civil partnership
Pregnancy and maternity
Religion or belief
Sex
Sexual orientation
Non protected characteristics added by Homa include:
Body size and shape
Class
Menopause
Ouch/Oops can be used in groups or organisations where everyone involved understands and agrees with the process. Using Ouch/Oops is one way to build more thoughtful, respectful and responsible relationships between individuals and in a group, and to honour and respect difference.
Definitions
In this booklet, we will refer to the person experiencing a micro or macro aggression as the Oucher and the person responsible for the micro or macro aggression as the Oopser.
Our trainees have had a variety of responses to the wording; ouch and oops. For some this language feels inadequate and trivial. For others it simply doesn't fit with the words or responses they would instinctively use. This tool is not prescriptive and when it is introduced and discussed in the group, trainees can and do agree their own wording to replace ouch and oops. What is essential is that the wording to be used is discussed in the group so that everyone knows that this is the tool which is being used when those words are spoken.
When to use the Ouch/Oops process
When a person experiences a micro or macro aggression, often their instinctive reaction to being attacked in this way is to fight, flight, faun, flop or freeze. By the time it feels possible to respond rather than react, the moment has passed and they are left with their hurt and feelings of anger, fear, sadness, guilt or shame.
The Ouch/Oops process intends to offer people who live in the world with the characteristics identified above, a way to express their hurt or anger in the moment, without having to do the emotional labour of explaining themselves, educating others or having to hold or manage fragility and defensiveness, unless they choose to do so. This tool is not intended to eliminate difficult or challenging conversations about prejudice, discrimination and difference. Rather, it puts the onus on the Oopser to take responsibility for having those conversations themselves, to reflect on, learn and understand the impact of their words and actions.
This provides us all with the valuable opportunity to learn and undo our deeply ingrained and often unconscious biases, assumptions and prejudices and to create a space in which people meet each other with respect, kindness and a willingness to change. Following on from the Ouch/Oops process there is a valuable opportunity for reflection, rich conversations and learning.
How to use the Ouch/Oops process
Step 1 - Ouch
When someone experiences a micro or macro aggression they can choose to say “Ouch”, in the moment, without giving any explanation or additional information unless they choose to.
All they need say is “Ouch”. This means that in the moment of experiencing the micro/macro aggression, they don’t have to think about what to say, they don’t have to explain or find the right words or try to use the right tone to convey to the other person that they have experienced something painful, hurtful or offensive.
“Ouch” is essentially code for “You have said or done something which hurts and/or which I feel offended by or angry about and which demonstrates your prejudice, bias or assumptions about me or people like me”.
Some trainees don't like using the word/sound ouch. It does not feel right to them for a variety of reasons. They have chosen other words/responses that work for them. The key is that the group discuss the wording and know what word or words will be used as code to convey the message "You have said or done something which hurts and/or which I feel offended by or angry about and which demonstrates your prejudice, bias or assumptions about me or people like me”.
For the purposes of this article we will continue to use the word/response ouch, with the understanding that each group will agree their own code.
There is no tone policing of how the Ouch is said, by the oopser or anyone else. It may be quiet and unemotional or it may be said loudly and angrily, whatever is authentic for the Ouched person at that moment. Having experienced a micro or macro aggression, there is no onus or requirement to use this tool. It is available should anyone wish to use it.
The choice of the word Ouch is due to its onomatopoeic quality. It is more of a sound than a word. The intention is for the person who has experienced the micro/macro aggression to have this word/sound available to them, thus removing the process of having to think about what to say or how to respond in these instances. Other words or sounds can also be used.
When we experience a micro/macro aggression one of the common reactions is to second guess ourselves or think ourselves out of saying something, we may find ourselves thinking:
“Did they really say/do that?”
“Is that really sexist, racist, homophobic or is it just me being over-sensitive?”
“Maybe I’m just making a big deal out of something?”…
“I don’t want to be difficult, they probably don’t even mean it”
“It’s not worth the hassle, there’s no point saying anything”
If you felt the hurt, the jab of the aggression, if you feel angry or offended, whether it is big or small, intentional or unintentional, you can say “Ouch”, if you want to.
We recognise that the person saying Ouch is taking a risk. They have no guarantees about how the other will respond. It may or may not be worth it for them. Using this tool is always a personal choice.
The Oucher, if they want to, can then make some time and space, at a time that works for them, to acknowledge and process their thoughts and feelings about the micro/macro aggression they experienced, ideally with support - venting and/or talking it through with someone they trust.
This process is not asking people who experience micro and macro aggressions to silence themselves. They are free to use this process or to respond to these aggressions in any way they see fit. They could start with Ouch - which lets the oopser know that their job is to listen - and then say anything they want. Or they can simply say whatever they choose in any way they wish.
Step 2 - Oops
In response to the “Ouch,” the other person says “Oops, thank you” nothing else at all. No sorry or other apology is added.
The “Ouch” is information for them that their words or actions have had an impact on the other person, regardless of their intention. Saying thank you indicates that they appreciate the risk the Oucher is taking by engaging in this process and that they welcome the opportunity to better understand and learn.
This is not a time to ask questions or offer apologies or an explanation.
Oops is code for “Thank you for letting me know that I have hurt or offended you, I will find someone to talk this through with to understand the impact of my words/actions and to effect change in myself and the world”.
Groups can choose to omit the oops and simply respond with Thank you. Again, this is discussed and agreed by the group.
Step 3 - Reflect and Learn
The Oopser is required to follow up their oops with some reflection and learning. They do not do this alone, they must first talk it through with someone who can support them. The Oopser, with this support, takes responsibility for understanding how they have caused harm and not repeating their behaviour/s. This is not an optional part of the process. Even if the oopser thinks that they know the impact of their words or actions, they nevertheless talk it through with at least one person. This process of learning and reflection can be done in small groups, thus extending the learning.
It is recommended that there be specific people who volunteer or are designated to support the Oopsers in reflecting and learning. These are ideally people who can hold defensiveness and fragility with clarity and kindness. Their role is to support the Oopser to understand the impact of their actions and to point them to resources and actions for further learning. With this support, the Oopser can do the heart work of recognising how prejudice, bias and assumptions live in them and come out in their actions and attitudes. The reflection and conversation with the support person is not about optical allyship (wanting to look like a good person). This is a real opportunity to do some heart and soul-searching work and to responsibly take action in the work of social justice.
It is a given that the support people are not perfect nor superior to the Oopser, as none of us can be. They are all people who will be Oopsers themselves at times and it is accepted and understood that everyone in the group is willing to keep learning and taking action.
The Oopser will follow up the conversation with further education by reading, watching or listening to resources and having more conversations with others to continue and deepen their process of understanding and learning.
Step 4 - Accountability
After the Oopser has reflected and learned, they go back to the Oucher to let them know and to listen, if there is anything that the Oucher wants to say.
They let the Oucher know this as simply and concisely as possible, something like:
“I want to let you know that I have reflected and learned and I am available to listen if there is anything you want to say”.
They don’t share their learnings or give an apology. The apology is in the action they have undertaken; talking and learning and any taking action where possible and appropriate. By being willing to reflect and learn they are demonstrating their regret and commitment to not continuing to cause harm or offence and to effect change both in themselves and the world.
If the Oucher wants to say something, the Oopser listens. They don’t say anything else at all unless the Oucher explicitly invites a conversation or a response.
There is no onus on the Oucher to say anything in response to the Oopser letting them know they have reflected and learned. The accountability part of the process is intended to give the Oucher the confirmation that the Oopser has taken their Ouch seriously. If the Oucher knows that their willingness to take the risk to say Ouch has been acted on, it can make saying Ouch worth the risk.
The Oucher may be up for a conversation or may not and they are free to respond in any way that is authentic for them with no onus on them to reassure, forgive or explain anything to the Oopser. If they want to have a conversation, they can have one, or if they want to tell the Oopser something about the impact of their actions they can do so and they also can receive the information without saying anything at all. They do not have to thank the oopser for being accountable.
Witnessing a micro or macro aggression
A person does not say Ouch on behalf of someone else. If they believe they have witnessed (rather than personally experiencing) a micro or macro aggression they can ask to speak to the person privately whom they saw or heard acting in a way they believe to be harmful or hurtful. They can let that person know what they saw/heard and talk it through with them to provide an opportunity to learn and grow. This is not an invitation to shame or imply that they are a better ally. They can also acknowledge that they don’t know if the person or people in question experienced the micro or macro aggression or felt the Ouch.
If a person with a protected characteristic experiences an Ouch when they witness a micro or aggression towards another person with the same protected characteristic, they can say Ouch. In this case, they are essentially saying it on their own behalf, since witnessing the micro/macro aggression has caused them to experience it also and has hurt or offended them too, as well as potentially hurting the other person. In this case, the Oopser will come back to the Oucher, not the third party, for accountability.
If you woud like to find out more about training at Homa, take the first step and come to an Introductory Workshop
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