Still Here: A Reflection on Masculinity and Vulnerability

The Weight of Expectations in Psychotherapy Training

I notice it first in my right shoulder. It’s not pain. More like a readiness that never fully rests. I breathe into it, but it doesn’t relax. It watches.

This sensation is not only mine. That shoulder carries years of learning what it means to be a man: to stand guard, to keep shape, to protect from whatever might spill out if I soften too much.

My father was not one for rules or structure. His father’s hand had been iron, and he wanted to offer air. In loosening the grip, he let go of touch. Two men turning away, afraid of what staying might make of them.

Even now, my training in psychotherapy seems to trouble him. He holds his breath, as if exhaling might let something in. He changes the subject. Small talk becomes a shelter, a form of mercy.

A Legacy of Silence

I wonder if this is how men have always spoken. My grandfather’s iron, my father’s air, my body keeping watch. Each of us faithful to distance. Each of us longing to return.

When people speak of masculinity and femininity, I drift. Those words smell of dust and trapped air. I feel unquestionably male, and I want the window flung open.

And yet, when I picture a man who is tender, open, and relational, something in me still names him feminine. As if empathy itself had a gender. As if the heart spoke in two tongues.

Maybe that’s because I’m attracted to men. I carry a lifetime of scripts telling me that men like me are softer, lighter, more sensitive: feminine. Sometimes I play along; sometimes I rebel. Either way, I’m moving in the shadow of a man who never existed.

Chasing Shadows

I chased that shadow for years. It kept me moving. Many of us learned how to leave without looking like we’re leaving. A smile, a story, a sigh, a silence. A posture handed down through generations.

Sometimes, when I notice my impulse to withdraw, I think of my father. I used to rage against it. Now, I feel the ache beneath it. The weight of it sits right here, in my shoulder.

The impulse still comes. My shoulder lifts, my neck tightens, my breath thins to a thread: a body rehearsing its oldest defence.

The Choice to Stay

Then comes the choice. My body turns to leave, but my heart stays: with a client, a friend, my unease. This, perhaps, is the work of men now: to stay when everything in you was trained to leave. To hold, not contain. To steady, not still. To shelter, not shield.

Sometimes, when I notice I’m holding my breath, I think of my father. The impulse remains, and so do I. Still here.

Embracing Vulnerability

In this journey, I’ve discovered the importance of vulnerability. It’s not a weakness; it’s a strength. Embracing vulnerability allows us to connect deeply with others. It opens the door to authentic relationships.

When we acknowledge our feelings, we create space for healing. This is especially true in the realm of psychotherapy. As aspiring therapists, we must learn to navigate our own emotions. Only then can we truly support others in their journeys.

The Path Forward

As I reflect on my experiences, I recognise the significance of training in a supportive environment. At Homa, we cultivate a space where exploration is encouraged. We invite you to join us on this path of discovery.

If this piece resonates and you would like to learn more about training at Homa, you can attend an introductory workshop. These three-hour workshops offer an opportunity to experience our approach and explore whether the HOMA training might be right for you.

The Importance of Self-Reflection

Self-reflection is a vital part of our journey. It allows us to examine our thoughts and feelings. This practice is essential for personal growth and professional development.

When we take the time to reflect, we can identify patterns and behaviours that may not serve us. This awareness is crucial in our work as therapists. It helps us to be more present with our clients and to respond to their needs more effectively.

Building Authentic Relationships

Authenticity is key in building relationships, both personal and professional. As therapists, we must strive to be genuine in our interactions. This fosters trust and openness.

When clients feel that we are real and relatable, they are more likely to engage in the therapeutic process. This connection can lead to profound healing and transformation.

The Role of Empathy

Empathy plays a significant role in our work. It allows us to understand and share the feelings of others. This connection is what makes therapy so powerful.

By cultivating empathy, we can create a safe space for our clients. They can explore their emotions without fear of judgment. This is where true healing begins.

Conclusion: Embracing the Journey

As we embark on this journey together, let us remember the importance of staying present. Embrace vulnerability, reflect on your experiences, and build authentic relationships.

At Homa, we are committed to supporting you on this path. Join us as we explore the depths of human experience and learn to become the therapists we aspire to be. Together, we can create a more compassionate and understanding world.

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